A Moll's Survival Guide to Sumatra

Dear Moll Diary,

A little over two weeks in the town of Krui in Sumatra, Indonesia, and the following is what I learned. Yes, often the hard way.
P.S - Usually I try not to discriminate between moll sexes, equal rights for male molls and all, but in this case the problems outlined are specifically for the laaaaadies (if you know 'Flight of the Conchords you'll know how to sing that.)

Lesson one - If you wax, BYO
Bikini, arms, legs, nether regions, etceteras. If you (like me) have made the tough transition from razor to ripping and don't want to look back, then make sure you're packing upon entrance to the country. The 'women's' section of any supermarket will give you all the whitening cream you could never want, but other than that it's razors only. (I did try for a 'proffesional' wax in Java but that's a story for another day. A funny funny day with lots of gin)

Two - Embrace the Bintang
I've never liked beer. I can drink it, but generally it's because there's less than five bucks in my wallet and I can't see any prospective gin sponsors in my near vicinity. And trust me, after a long day of lying around the compound, a moll needs some liquor. There's two choices available. Bintang, or the sweet-cough syrup-fowl tasting - vomit educing red 'wine' (used in the loosest sense of the word). Hint. DO NOT CHOOSE THE WINE.

Three - Boardies not bikinis.
If you have images of yo' fine self struttin' yo stuff in your new MJ remembrance bikini (silver sequined left boob and Bubbles on the bum) You had better put those ideas out of your (I'm sure) gorgeous head. This is a Muslim country and if you don't respect their culture and cover up then your trip will not be enjoyable. t-shirt and boardies are the done thing.

Four - Make friends with books.
I'm not saying bring Proust's entire works (unless that floats your boat). I'm not even suggesting you have to expand your horizons. I'm just saying you're going to have a lot of time on your hands and fantasizing about Robert Patterson (yes I'm a fan) is only going to take so long. If Mills and Boon are your thing, by all means bodice-rip your way through a 'steamy and hot member' of an afternoon. Just make sure you have enough to last your time in the compound.

Five - Your compound is your kingdom
This means you had better make it a good one. You will spend a lot of time within the four walls of your 'losman' (bungalows/hotel) so make sure it's user (or more specifically moll) friendly. Insiders tip - don't stress if there's no shower. All bathrooms have a big tub of clean water and a bucket. This can become your best friend in the middle of the day, when it's unbearably hot and your boredom has hit a whole new level. Get your gear off and get your elephant on. Scoop that water and throw it in the air like you just don't care. You and the bathroom should be completely saturated by the end.

Six - Patience is a virtue
You will spend the majority of your social hours discussing surf/ watching surf/ watching surf dvd's/ riding around looking for surf/ discussing how everyone's surf was (you get the picture). If you can't sit patiently through this you are going to have problems. I found my best option was to keep a 'interested and listening' face on and retreat into my 'alternate reality'. Robert Patterson interrupts the conversation saying 'excuse me but I'm looking for the most beautiful girl in the world' (surprise surprise that's me) . Then we retire to his private yacht and have, um, mature discussions about women's micro economic loans in Bangladesh..... We talk about it for hours......

Seven - Make sure you man can moll
If your surfer has a one track mind you had better sit him down for an insightful and varied discussion regarding what will happen to his testicles if he doesn't take you out for 'walkies' (hint - this is not an erotic conversation). It doesn't really matter where you go (but did I mention facials are only $2!! he can join you or wait outside...) it just has to happen or else you will end up like a frustrated (but adorable) puppy. Frustrated puppies can do bad things such as 'chewing' up their surfers board (hint - most compounds have power tools).

My final tip is to relax and enjoy yourself. If you're in a beautiful tropical paradise then there's no point spending your time sulking in your room. Just follow these lessons and you will find Sumatra can be a moll's best friend.