Dear Moll diary,

Mr Bodyboard and I were frolicking (OK so my words not his) in an unusually calm ocean. As he threw himself desperately at the less than minimal waves - the recent 'wave drought' or whatever you call it was obviously making him a little desperate - I happily bobbed along in the water as is my usual style.

Suddenly he was struck with an idea- that I should catch a wave and body surf.

After ten or more unsuccessful tries he was becoming more and more confused. He even attempted holding me and trying to glide me down the surface of the wave, making me feel a little like his true love (his board), but all was to no avail. I sadly had to point out my total inability to body surf. Luckily my point was highlighted as a wave crashed passed me leaving me in its foamy wake.

'After living by the sea for six month you haven't even learned to body surf, what have you learnt?!?' As he shot away on another wave I wanted to yell out that I had learned a lot thank you very much, but I couldn't exactly pin point what they were.

So as I lay back and attempted to float (something I haven't quite mastered) I started to think about what knowledge I now have that has come from the ocean.

Point one - If you stick your finger in one of those sea enenemies things for too long they will actually draw blood.

Point two - If you choose to go and sun bake topless at the beach you must accept the fact that everyone is looking at your breasts and wondering if you've had plastic surgery. No exceptions.

Point three - If you do in fact choose to wear a bikini and frolic in the ocean there is an inevitability in your top coming off and your boob coming out. Again I must stress, no exceptions. Also inevitable is that it will come of when you're standing next to a young boy and you will introduce him to puberty as he becomes hypnotised by your escaped tit.

Point four - If you are used to the super filtration chlorinated wonderland of an inner city pool it's best not to wear goggles in the sea bath. The locals who have used it for over 50 years and now look like tanned leather patched together with white hair do view it as their private space to clear their noses and dispose of whatever comes out of their bodies - and if you can't handle this then sans goggle swimming is the only way to go.

Point five, surely I must have at least five, think damn it think! Ah yes. Unless you're a life saver or one of the previously mentioned hard -core locals, don't wear speedos. Ever. ever ever ever ever ever. Ever.